“When the People of God Hurt You”

 Church Hurt Is Real. Now What? 

Church hurt is different.

When the people who were supposed to help you grow in your faith become the source of your pain, the wounds can run deep. Sometimes the hurt doesn't just affect how you see the church. It affects how you see God.

In this episode of Bible, Basically, we talk honestly about church hurt, religious hypocrisy, betrayal, disappointment, and the difficult road toward healing. We'll explore what Scripture says about wounded believers, why the failures of Christians should never be confused with the character of Christ, and how to keep someone's failure from becoming the reason you walk away from faith altogether.

Because while people may fail you, Jesus never will.

Bible, Basically — figuring out faith, together.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

What's going on, everybody? Today, I I I really have been kind of praying about what to talk about next. And last week uh was on forgiveness. I hope everybody heard that. I hope it spoke to you. If you don't have people, or if you have people in your life that you feel like you can't forgive, I hope you pray about it. I hope that you know you can you know find that forgiveness in your heart. Then I I got to thinking after I did that episode, and I'm like, what are the ways that we can be hurt? You know, how how are some of the ways that that we're treated affect us and and and how can they affect our relationship with God? And it got me into what I went through and what a couple of my friends are going through, and and that's that's deconstruction. And if you haven't heard the term spiritual deconstruction, I'm gonna have a whole episode on it in a few weeks, but I wanted to talk about a few of the things that lead us to that point before that. Um but spiritual deconstruction is basically the dismantling of your faith, right? Taking the things that you were taught, taking the things that you were you were you were shown in church, and really kind of deconstructing them and and separating them out and making it to the point where you you lose your faith per se. Um and like I said, we'll get into the nitty-gritty details in a few weeks. But there are a few things that cause that, and and one of the things is church hurt, the other is legalism, and it's you know, you have spiritual abuse, you have just flat out, you know, questioning everything. I mean, there's there's several different reasons that people choose to deconstruct their faith. So I wanted to talk about a couple of the things that I've seen kind of at the forefront of that logic or of that reasoning. The first one is is what we're gonna talk about today, and that's church hurt. And some of you probably saw the episode of the podcast title, uh, which is When the People of God Hurt You. And and you know, church hurt is real. I went through it, and I am going to tell that story today. I will keep names out of it, I will keep the church out of it, but I I want you to know. I want you to know what happened. And I want you to know why I left and why I I turned my back. And, you know, like my first episode said, I turned my back. He didn't, but I did. But yeah, church hurt is very real. Look, the the fact of the matter is, some wounds cut deeper than others. Uh, not because of what happened, but because of who did it. A stranger hurts you and it stings. But when the hurt comes from someone who talks about Jesus, someone you trusted, someone who's supposed to help you grow, those wounds feel different. Because now you're not just questioning people, you're questioning faith itself. Let's be honest. Some of the deepest wounds people carry today came from inside a church, not outside of it. So, what do you do when people who are supposed to point you to Jesus become the reason you walk away? And that's huge. That line speaks to me in such a way. Most of you guys know, based on previous episodes of the podcast, I grew up in the church, and I was in youth groups, and I sang in choirs, and I led praise teams. And I had a church leader that I admired and that I looked up to greatly. Fall. And you know, let's be realistic. With the degree of fall, was he ever who he said he was to begin with? I was in a youth group and helping lead the youth group. I was probably about 18 or 19 years old. And I was helping lead this youth group. And I really looked up to this youth pastor that the church had gotten. Great guy, great musician, and I'm big on music. Just got to know him in a way where I actually even considered him a friend. I knew his family, and I mean, just so many different things. He was ingrained in my life in so many different ways. And he he didn't do anything to me or the kids directly, directly, but he was involved in a pretty big scandal where what was made known was that he was selling drugs. And I'll leave it at that. I'm I'm gonna leave it there. And obviously, this is this is something that is pretty bad. And and some of you might be going, oh man, he was selling drugs, it wasn't that bad. The types of drugs that he was selling and the methodology that he was doing was really bad. So just please just suffice it to say he fell, and he was he was you know asked to leave the church, to leave his position in the church, not to leave the church, but leave his position. He could no longer hold a position of authority. And then because of his time, I believe, in incarceration, he just never came back. But he was a huge influence on me and every other kid in that youth group. And that wrecked me. And that was the beginning. That wasn't even the end, that was the beginning of my deconstruction. How could this guy who I trusted, who I was trusting with my spiritual development, how could he do this? And the way I saw it in my head was, how could he do this to me? He did it to himself, he did it to everybody. But in my head, my young 19-year-old head, how could he do this to me? I was his friend. I was his brother in Christ.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Or so I thought.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

I kept doing my thing there for a little bit, and it did affect me. My behavior changed, my my treatment of others changed. And then I started seeing others in the church, same church, and I started looking at their mistakes and their lives, and looking at them and really overanalyzing the fact that you know they're making mistakes, and I was using the term with frequency, hypocrites. These guys are hypocrites, and the church is full of hypocrites, and I hate hypocrites. Meanwhile, I'm the biggest one of all. Or at least I was, and and am. I'm still a sinner. Until I I broke and I left. Church hurt is real. It's not imagined, it's not exaggerated, it is real. And for some people, it's betrayal. For others, it's gossip, or exclusion, or judgment, or manipulation. For others, it's spiritual abuse, it's leadership failures, leadership failures, it's hypocrisy, or is that feeling that all the church wants to do is control you? And one of the worst things Christians do that we do to others is minimize someone's pain. Guys, it is real and it can change your life. As Christians, we are supposed to support one another. And if someone's going through it, we sit and go through it with them. Romans 12, 15 says, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Before we offer solutions, we need to offer compassion. I said, like I said, we're all hypocrites. No one is worthy of his grace, but he gives it freely. We all make mistakes. The difference is understanding, repenting, and owning those mistakes. A lot of people look at some Christians and say, well, if Christianity were true, Christians wouldn't act like this. And Jesus spent so much of his ministry actually confronting religious hypocrisy. Matthew twenty-three, verses twenty-seven and twenty-eight. Jesus says in twenty-seven, woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, calls them out, for you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanliness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Jesus didn't ignore hypocrisy, blatant hypocrisy. He exposed it. So the existence of hypocrisy doesn't surprise God. It should not surprise us. I am not going to talk about specific churches and the downfalls of their leadership, but we've seen it a lot lately. More than I want to believe should be happening, but it's true and it's happening. You know, all of these big-time church leaders falling doing various things. But we shouldn't be surprised by that.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Hypocrisy doesn't surprise God. Betrayal. Doesn't surprise God.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

Think about it this way: Jesus chose twelve disciples. One betrayed him, one denied him, and the others ran away. Yet Jesus remained faithful. John six, sixty six through sixty nine, Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Peter stayed because of Jesus, not because every follower of Jesus got it right. Don't let the betrayer or the Judas of your church or of your life make you leave Jesus. Don't let Judas make you leave Jesus. People will fail you consistently.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Christ will not.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

See, some Christians think that healing means forgetting it happened. Healing doesn't mean pretending. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

You get hurt. Be honest about it. Doesn't mean you have to move on quickly.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Doesn't mean you have to stop talking about it. That's not healing. Healing requires honesty.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

We need to talk about this hurt.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

We need to talk about what we go through and how people affect us so that we can strengthen our relationship with God.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

God doesn't rush wounded people. Neither should we.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

What we need to do, and what we need to understand if we are experiencing church hurt, or if we know someone who is hurt by the church, is we need to talk about healthy boundaries. We need to rebuild that trust slowly. Seek counseling when needed. There is nothing wrong with talking to somebody. And we need to try and find a safe community again. Do not alienate yourself. There are healthy churches. And yes, even those healthy churches have people in them who are not healthy. But once again, where is your measurement? Is your measurement in the congregation? Is your measurement in the church leadership? Or is your measurement in Christ? And out of those three, there is only one of them who is guaranteed not to fail you. My pastor's great. He invites people to challenge him all the time.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

It's like if I say something that you don't agree with, talk to me. If I say something that you don't agree with, talk to me.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Everyone makes mistakes. At some point I know someone in my church is gonna let me down. But the important thing is to realize that the reason that happens is because they're human. And the reason that happens is because we are made and naturally evil.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

And that's a hard word to say. But our compulsion is to follow that of the flesh.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

So if you're hurt, once again, talk about healthy boundaries, rebuilding trust slowly, and get help, counseling when needed, and find a safe community again. Don't let pain become your theology. Don't let pain rule your life. See, this is where a lot of people get stuck. They move from a Christian hurt me to Christianity must not be true. Those are not the same statements. Like I said, a pastor can fall. A church can fail. A Christian person can fail. That doesn't mean Christ failed. Second Timothy two, thirteen says, if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself. The failures of God's people should never become the definition of God's character. I know that there are people out there know or have relationships or acquaintance with people that talk about their faith and talk about their relationship with God and yet are visibly not walking the walk. And I have heard those people say on numerous occasions, some Christian, or they claim to be Christian. And with that, I want to reiterate the failures of God's people should never become the definition of God's character.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

People fail. Christ doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

And maybe that's why church hurt cuts so deeply, because it takes something that is so beautiful. Our relationship with God is beautiful. And it attaches pain to it. And for some people, the pain lasts for years. As I told you, I was eighteen or nineteen when this happened to me. I didn't come back to church actively until I was in my forties. I let someone else's failure become the measure of Christ's character. Because the people who represented Jesus to me failed me. And some and that will happen to you. Sometimes badly. But guys, remember, Christianity was never built on perfect Christians. It was built on a perfect savior. I want to tell you, in case nobody else has, that if you've been hurt by the church, or someone in your church, or someone you used to go to church with because you no longer go to church, your pain matters. Your story matters. But I need you to understand that the truth matters also. Jesus is not the worst thing that happened to you in church. In fact, he may be the only one who heals it. I'm going to close out with Jesus' own words in Matthew eleven twenty-eight. And he asks us, he tells us, Come to me, all who are labored and heavy laden. And I will give you rest. How beautiful would that rest feel to help alleviate the strain of that pain. Next week, we're going to talk about another big subject. And I want you guys to do a little research on this subject. Because this is one that is a little deep. And it's called legalism. And when we get there next week, I'll define it and we'll talk about it. But I need you guys to understand that that rest, that grace, that peace that Jesus provides, He gives that freely. To all who believe. To all who follow Him.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

To all who faithfully say that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. He doesn't ask for anything else. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

If this has touched you in any way, or if you're interested, please share this. Send it to a friend. Because this has been Bible basically, where we are figuring out faith together.